Fighting in front of kids: 8 ways to stop it FOREVER
Oh, well, I know you came here to read how to avoid the regular fall-outs with your husband/wife in front of the kids. But I hope you don’t mind if I discuss a bit of ‘Gamophobia’ before I get to the point.
Today’s generation is largely, ‘gamophobic’. By the way, what’s this gamophobia that I’m mentioning for the 3rd time already? Well, it’s the fear of marriage A.K.A commitment. And if prodded unto answering why these folks do not ever want to marry, they have lots to talk about the strings attached with marriage, tying oneself into shackles of terms & conditions & finally – INCOMPATIBILITY.
A very plausible, rather obvious reason behind this distate towards marriage is having witnessed disturbed & failed marriages. Most of which bring memories of the parents having bickered with each other for a lifetime. Now, why I thought of joining a few dots here lets me validate the point that I’m trying to make. Yes, fighting in front of your kids regularly leaves an ever-lasting effect on their mind & shapes their mindset about marriage thereafter. And one can say with a lot of apprehension that it may breed a legacy of troubled marriages.
Arguments are bound to happen no matter how endearing two people find each other. They’re practically indispensable! Almost.
Even so, you can stop picking arguments with your spouse in front of the kids in the following ways:
Sort each other’s signals
When the kids are around & you sense that your disagreement has got you guys start to raise your voices, give visual hints to stop. You could respond with a “Hey, I’m not kinda free right now. I guess, we could talk this out by the end of the day, may be.” This impulse would need some practice. But yes, if you’re as aware about CCTV’s to keep you from shoplifting, this will SURELY work. You know what I mean about the CCTV’s here. Don’t you?
Better? Just switch the topic!
Just Get Out
Of course not! Don’t flee the house. 🙂
It may seem downright insulting to the other if you impulsively move out of the room amidst the heated conversation, but then it’s a call you must take in order to save your kids from a horror scene that they can never un-see like they otherwise console themselves that it was just a ‘movie’. JUST.MOVE.OUT.
To still sound quite compassionate amidst the fight, you could just shriek from the other room with a “Sorry, I think I don’t have enough stuff to talk about that right now.”
Acknowledge your Names
Well, I know this may seem strange. But always addressing the other person with his/her name (even in general) imparts a lot of warmth in the conversation & relationship. When you inculcate this habit during all your conversations, regardless of their tempo, things get less complicated. Ending a few of your sentences with the other person’s name subconsciously builds a very strong bridge between you both. Now, make it a habit. I guess, it’s psychology at work! Addressing the other person with his name innately conveys that you respect his individuality, come what may.
So, even when you’re REALLY mad at each other, with this habit, things have high chances to settle on their own.
No index fingers allowed, PLEASE!
Now this gesture is one of the most annoying one that any human can make. It not just blows tempers up, but tends to belittle your partner too. So, if you’ve been used to pointing your finger at your husband/wife during something what you call a quarrel, avoid it. Just take a deep breathe & catch a glimpse of the perplexed faces of your kids looking at you guys. That’s enough.
Fight the Disagreement, not EACH OTHER
In a marriage, let go of your EGO. How? Easier said than done?
Not really.
Just realize that you both have created these prying creatures, your loving kids; something that must have taken at least some amount of affection for each other back then. When you think this way, it helps you feel eased with the intensity of fight.
As long as the reason for your fight is just a significant difference of opinion, & not something that involves grave issues such as a cheating partner, it’s OKAY to sound resilient, but very politely. For example, if one of you is miffed with the other over a home loan concern, you could still consider saying, “I know both of us have entirely different ideas, but SOMETHING should work right for both of us, right? Only if we could discuss calmly. Because you know we both will repent fighting a while like every time.”
Open up with each other away from kids. And opening up is NOT fighting in private.
Engage in an abrupt PDA
As crazy as it sounds, it’s the most powerful step to reconcile instantly during an argument. Where you’ve got the children looking at you or not, just hold his/her hand & insist on staring in his/her eyes for a quiet 30 seconds or so. If he/she responds, just let the fight evaporate as you initiate a free hug. Wait for the magic.
Don’t Rant in front of the kids
A number of parents resort to ranting about the other parent impulsively to or in front of the children. This will only make room for unnecessary doubts or disrespect for one parent in the child’s mind forever. All this when, perhaps, none of you was wrong. Do you want that to happen only because you couldn’t choice your words for a few moments?
All the more, you’d be prompting them to take sides in future, which is just so BAD.
Worse even? Don’t drag your in-laws either. They’re also grandparents to your kids apart from your parents.
No abusive slangs
Enough said, isn’t it?
Finally, if at all, you’ve just wound up with a fight that your kids happened to see, be prepared for a sensible explanation. Because, you owe it to them.
Like if you both had been arguing over tight money, tell your kids in a comforting manner that it’s just a little deficit of money. And that you & Papa/Mommy were only trying to figure out which expenditure to reduce so that there’s no problem for us being fine for the month. If your salary is been withheld for some reason, it’s okay to subtly explain to the kids that your money will be a bit delayed for the month. This way, your kid learn to be empathetic & cognizant with common problems that will be very much part of him/her later in life.
A bonus here is that your children will be proud that their parents are not just sensible but transparent with them too. They’ll feel encouraged to discuss things as sensibly as you with their acquaintances.
How do you keep yourself from arguing with your spouse in front of kids? Your comments would really ignite our minds with some fantastic solutions.
Linking this to Write Tribe Festival of Words – June 2018 #writebravely
Write Tribe
Fighting is bad, that’s what we teach our kids. But as parents we end up fighting with each other, that’s inevitable too. I agree with the points here. We should not resort to name calling or use abusive language, but I like to keep it real in front of my kids. A disagreement needs to be addressed, not in bad language or raised voices. But I want my kids to know that their parents despite all the love they share disagree on certain matters and fight without getting each other dirty. 🙂 Great read, Ashvini!
Oh this is useful whether the children are watching or not. Arguments have a way of spiralling out of control and it’s terrible when that happens in front of the kids. Our twins are such little devils they get a huge kick when they see the Husband and I arguing – and that’s so funny we end up laughing together.
These are all useful tips. Sometimes due to heated emotions, the arguments do go out of control and it’s worse in front of kids.
Good points, Ashvini! Fighting never solves issues and often escalates whatever one’s arguing about…sometimes to the point that the original reason is forgotten. We made a pact before our son was born that we would never raise voices or behave in anyway in which we didn’t want him to emulate. Children see, children do. Practicing respect is crucial and beneficial to all concerned. It IS easier to be kind to one another.